As we read earlier from the life of the Chopra’s in “To Cope or Not To Cope – Part 1”, we explored three major coping styles which helped the family to face various stressors that life handed them. Although it enabled them to survive the heat of the moment, it was not beneficial in the long run. Let’s take a look at what helped them turn things around.
Mr. and Mrs. Chopra realized that they needed to make some changes in how they communicated with each other. They had a few conversations where they honestly expressed the hurt they felt toward each other. One statement that helped them resolve their differences was, “how can I make things better for you?” Expressing needs honestly by saying, “I feel hurt when you did that, would you be willing to do somethings differently?”
Mr. Chopra realized that his anger response was causing his wife to feel stressed and powerless. Mrs. Chopra realized that avoiding her husband when he brought up issues caused him to raise his voice because he felt unheard and ignored. Gaurav met with his therapist at Rehab who helped him realize that disconnecting from reality was a short term solution with long term consequences. During his 12 step recovery phase he decided to have a serious conversation with his parents one day: “Mom and dad, growing up you didn’t realize that I felt invisible and less important than Pooja and Manisha. You were always worrying about their wheelchairs, their stress, their health and I felt like I needed to be unwell for you to give me attention. My drinking and rebelling from school was just my attempt to have you worry about me for once” Mr. and Mrs. Chopra were heartbroken when they realized that they were so concerned about the twins that they overlooked their son’s need. Mr. Chopra apologized to Gaurav saying: “Son, we are so saddened to know that you felt invisible. It was our mistake that we responded wrongly and assumed you were totally fine or didn’t need the attention as compared to the twins. If it still counts, we want you to know that you mean the world to us and we are proud of your commitment to recovering” Gaurav hugged his parents with tears in his eyes, forgiving them and looking forward to a future filled with happy family memories.
Let’s take a look at the changes that the Chopra’s made that worked out well:
Relaxing at the right time: Mr. Chopra learnt that when he is upset, it would not be wise to speak. He would take a time out and breath, go for a walk or a drive. Once he composed himself he would calmly explain his concern to his family
Listening with undivided attention: Mrs. Chopra realized that ignoring problems made them snowball. Mrs. Chopra decided she would ask her husband why he was upset and give her undivided attention when he spoke. She confronted issues as and when they arose.
Communicating openly and honestly: Gaurav realized that his parents only did what they thought was best for him at the time. He had wrongly assumed that they didn’t love him as much as the twins. Having a real conversation helped clarify misconceptions.
Flexibility in thoughts and actions: When Gaurav’s parents acknowledged their wrongs, they were quick to make changes for the future. Even Gaurav was flexible when he understood that his parents loved him as equally as his sisters.
Awareness to improve oneself: The family was able to identify that changes needed to take place once they became aware that their actions were adding fuel to the fire.
How can these coping styles help you respond to stress differently?
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