It was a sunny afternoon in the town of Vijayawada, Mr. and Mrs. Chopra had just settled down in the Verandah to enjoy their evening chai, usually followed by casual banter about local politics. Retired life was all about routine, it was as though the same day was playing on repeat - the morning paper, afternoon nap and evening walks. Life was not always this serene, it would bring Mrs. Chopra to tears if she had to recall the heartbreaks of their early years, raising their three children. Gaurav their firstborn, now 41 is a recovering alcoholic, Manisha and Pooja ages 34 twins had a traumatic birth injury which caused them to depend on wheelchairs all their life. Despite all the odds, Mr. and Mrs. Chopra did everything in their ability to give them a fulfilling life. Yet, that had to come with the price of caregiver burnout and finances being exhausted from medical bills. Daily hardships had put strain on their family life. Mr. Chopra would lash out in anger at Gaurav for poorly performing in academics, especially since Mr. Chopra was working twice as hard to meet all expenses. Mrs. Chopra on the other hand would silently retreat from all heated conversations and occupy herself with house work, in hopes that all tensions would dissolve on its own. This caused Mr. Chopra to furiously accuse his wife of encouraging Gaurav’s irresponsible behaviour. When Gaurav left home for college, emptying whiskey bottles every night was his way of silencing his father’s screaming voice which still rang fresh in his mind. The drinks helped Gaurav feel happy and take the edge off. Manisha and Pooja had taken a different turn in life, opening their own retreat center for children with disability, sharing their experiences and inspiring many. Today, they live successful family lives, yet Gaurav still faces the personal and professional repercussion of his alcoholism. For Mr. and Mrs. Chopra it took many years of being empty nesters for them to finally reach a place of peace in their marriage, now in their old age they are realizing the importance of honest communication and controlling one’s emotions. Since the past decade of retired life, their relationship had blossomed into a deep friendship yet regrets of their early parenting years loom deep in the back of their minds.
The story of the Chopra’s conveys an important message that, life comes with unexpected changes and challenges that can bring us to the end of ourselves! An important question we need to ask ourselves is: “how do I respond when I am faced with stress?” This is an important question as our responses not only impact us but also have a ripple effect on those around us. The way we respond to stress is known as our “coping style”. The most common ways of coping to stress include “Fight” i.e. facing the problem head on with aggressive reactions, “Flight” i.e. running away from the problem and “Freeze” i.e. disconnected from reality or even forgetting.
Mr. Chopra’s response to stress was “Fight”. Mr. Chopra had a lot riding on him, the financial burdens, special needs expenses, a wife who avoids talking about anything, the uncertainty of Gaurav’s future etc. The pressure had surmounted to the point where the only way he could relieve his stress was by yelling. He was under the impression that his anger was justified and the only way for other’s to change their actions. Mr. Chopra didn’t seem to think it was much of a problem at the time, since he quickly forgot about it, however the hurt had long lasting effects on the rest of the family.
Mrs. Chopra response to stress was “Flight”, since she was too scared to handle the tension of everything. Managing the house, watching Pooja and Manisha struggle, being accused of by her husband, witnessing the daily battle between father and son. Her only way of handling the issue was to occupy her mind with something productive. Maintaining the house felt like the only thing she had under her control however, her silence in the home only fueled Mr. Chopra’s anger, and drove a wedge between her and Mr. Chopra.
Gaurav response to handling stress was to “Freeze”. Gaurav felt numb and exhausted after the constant fights. He would escape reality with music and avoiding homework. When discussion of college would come up, he would go blank, feel confused and indecisive. His hurt also came from the fact that he felt neglected by his parents since they focused all their attention on the twins.
Do you relate to the story of the Chopra’s? When you encounter a mild, moderate and/or severely stressful situation, Harmful or traumatic event, what’s your default pattern?
Get defensive and try to prove your case no matter what? Raise your voice and confront those who are wrong? Become a bit of bully and even get scary to the people you love?
Ignore the situation and pretend it didn’t happen? Leave the room, or conversation and do your best to avoid any and all confrontation? Get busy and pre-occupied with something that’s completely opposite to the situation at hand - you start cleaning, or knitting, etc. in the hope that it will just go away on its own?
Go completely blank and find it hard to express anything, let alone make any kind of social engagement? Completely forget the stressful situation even happened? Go completely blank and shut down in front of others?
You may have noticed that your responses are different for different scenarios. Continue reading in our next article to figure out how the Chopra’s learnt how to improve their coping styles.
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