Kathy is 40-year-old Asian women married to Kent who is a 44-year-old Caucasian man. They had the perfect life in the first two years of marriage. They have been married now for about 4 years. Kent recently has been hiding a lot of his movements and he is continuously speaking in hushed tones to someone on the phone. He got really angry with Kathy for looking at his phone. Recently, when she looked at his phone, she saw a lot of conservations with a woman named Simone. she remembered vaguely meeting this woman at a party. She did see Kent spending a lot of time with Simone during that dinner party. One day, Kent approached her saying that he wanted to leave and dropped the Divorce word. Kathy was in such a shock, for the first few days she couldn’t get out of the bed. There was a lot of anger towards Kent. It wasn’t like she was going around with other men. She was caring and loving and did everything she could for Kent but all that didn’t seem to matter to him.
After a few days, she signed the legal documents. She moved out of the apartment that they both lived in. thankfully she had a good job. Her friends were able to help her with a home and she was able to set it up with her friends. She missed Kent a lot. She felt betrayed and now having to love alone was so hard. She had to but things on her own and do everything on her own. This was a lonely life. She cried many nights to sleep and there was no joy, nothing to look forward to. Her friend had asked her to join the Fitness class to keep her occupied during the times that she was alone at home, she started engaging with other people and she made a couple of good friends.
Her family didn’t take the news so easily though. She had to manage them as well in all of this. She spoke to her parents about it and asked them to respect her decision and the desire for Kent to move on. She has been involved with counselling and she was actively involved with the social justice league and headed the emotional aspect of the cases that came into their office. She reached out to the them and encouraged them to speak out what they are going through and became a big source of help to them. Kathy in all sense found happiness.
Let’s understand the emotional processing of a divorce from the life of Kathy:
1. Shock or disbelief:
Usually when the divorce word is said in the family, it is a shock. The belief that the marriage is over in inconceivable. Coming to terms with this reality will help ease the emotional burden on the person. There is a lot of shaming which happens to one in their mind and their thoughts. They feel they are inadequate or not good enough for the partner. There is a lot of putting down of oneself which will lead to self - loathing and low self – worth. One would continuously hold oneself the reason as to the failure of the marriage. “I haven’t done enough” or “I am not beautiful enough” are statements that the individual will have in their minds and thoughts.
2. Missing the partner:
This is an important aspect to consider. Many a times when a divorce happens there is a feeling of aloneness that the individual develops. “I don’t have anyone to be with me.” There will be a deep sense of sadness as well, and it will be difficult to process those emotions. having a good friend or going to a therapist as this time is wise, as these emotions will be heard and understood by someone who is unbiased in the whole process.
3. Telling family:
Often this proves to be difficult for the individual as the family might have their own concerns and queries. Usually when dealing with such kind of pain the most important thing is to have is someone to understand what the individual is going through. Family members usually are worried about the society and what will they think and what will the extended family have to say about this. This is prevalent in the eastern culture a lot more than the western culture.
4. Moving on:
Kathy was able to regain her bearings after a while. She was able to be available to a cause that she believed in. she was able to give a voice to the women who weren’t able to. Though she went through a difficult season, she was able to come out of those difficult situations with therapy. She was able to lend her services and help others to voice their cares and concerns.
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