Miscarriages and the emotions behind it are hard to understand. One of the reasons that it can be hard is attachment.
Attachment: Women who have had miscarriages find it very difficult to see beyond this experience. There is a feeling of being one with the foetus that losing this foetus creates a great void and emptiness. The focus for the individual is the baby and the aspects surrounding the baby so this will create a sense of loss – a loss of joy and in extreme cases a loss of purpose. There could be a big hit on the enthusiasm of the individual.
Another aspect to consider is that there will be no sense of happiness for someone else’s pregnancy. The individual may experience very harsh emotions once they hear about a friend’s or neighbour pregnancy. Basic chores will be difficult for example: going shopping will become increasing difficult as she crosses the baby products aisle or she sees another expecting mother. All these visuals can bring about great sadness for her.
Another aspect to take into account is the loss of being a parent – the image of being a parent. At the news of being a parent, often individuals start building dreams and an ideal picture in their mind that takes a great hit once the miscarriage happens. For a mother, the loss of this foetus can often accompany feelings of great failure and inadequacy. There are unseen expectations that the mother seems to not have fulfilled when there is a miscarriage. The loss of the first pregnancy can result in a fear of future pregnancies.
Understanding that there are things that can be controlled as well as uncontrollable is crucial to think of at this juncture.
Guilt: A big factor to consider in this journey is GUILT. One of the thoughts that women often experience is one of them being defective. Something is either wrong with them or there is some issue with them and their way of functioning. There is always an internal blaming that happens. When this happens, there is a great bearing on the individual. They may take years to come out of this thought process. They will for years perhaps think that they are responsible for the loss. To carry that guilt and sense of loss will have a huge impact on the individual. Therapy and grief counselling will help the individual to get this addressed and dealt with rather than put it under wraps and then for it to explode at some later stage.
One cannot take responsibility of what one cannot control.
When an individual shows anger in the counselling room, it is considered to be healthy as the individual is speaking out their emotions and what they are going through. When the individual is expressing anger towards themselves or the husband or the members of the family, it is important that the family members to not take it personally. Taking it personally will affect the whole family and the grieving/healing process. What makes an individual angry is when the partner shrugs off their emotions or isn’t available to hear them out or understand them. A lot of anger may be demonstrated towards friends or relatives who have said something to them or just disappeared from the scene.
There are those who go through grief in another way which is to completely withdraw and be like an injured dog that retreats from the scene and quietly nurse her wounds. Therapy and counselling will help them to speak out their emotions and gain acceptance of themselves, their situation not having to be afraid of being judged to speak their mind.
Anger: There is another element to consider here is the anger towards their partners as men process death and loss differently. Sometimes there will be accusations that there is no demonstration of real feeling from the partner’s side. Often the hurt individual forgets the pain of others involved. This expression is often misunderstood by women and there is a general tendency to assume that the partner doesn’t care and there is no grief towards the loss of the child that is visible. There is a distance that can be created between the partners with this manner of thought process. Here is where the partner can express and offer their support and understanding – which will speak volumes to the woman who processes emotionally.
A crucial point to consider is many a times the raw emotions of losing the child is not taken care off in the hospital room. Usually, the staff involved in the administration and in the care of the patient often bypass the emotional aspect of what the patient is going through. If these emotions are not addressed, it will be piled upon. It is important to have friends and family for the individual to lean on emotionally. Counselling can help the individual and family to heal of these emotions accordingly. This is not an easy task, however with the correct help and assistance, the individuals involved can come out of this situation in a healthy manner.
Dates and factors associated with the miscarriage can also give rise to a surge of emotions related to the event. Clothes that may have been gifted, due dates, or scheduled doctor’s appointments all of these can create that sense of loss again. It is important to see grief as very natural and real.
Some helpful tips that can be given to someone who is going through this kind of grief is:
1. Acknowledge the emotion, don’t try to hide from it.
2. Don’t rush yourself into healing, everybody takes a different timeline to heal.
3. You don’t have to journey alone, make your emotions real with a friend who has been through something similar so that they can relate to the sadness you are expressing and who can walk along side with you.
4. Celebrate the life of the child with pictures or poetry, this helps the healing process.
5. Involve yourself in activities that make you happy.
6. Be involved with caring for women who have lost in a similar way, once you have healed.
7. Educating yourself about the stages of grief will help to a large extend to understand yourself and others. It will help with development of a non-judgemental attitude towards self and to others.
8. Bringing public awareness to grief is a powerful way to help the community understand what is about and how it can be tackled.
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