Shyness

We all feel shy at some point in our lives, but for some people, shyness can be so extreme that it interferes with their ability to function well in society. Dr Bernardo Carducci is an expert on shyness and has helped many children, teens, adults and parents with shyness for decades. In this article, we’ll look at his take on shyness.

While it is certainly not a disorder, shyness is almost never portrayed as a positive trait in today’s world, where loud, unafraid confidence is often valued alongside leadership qualities. Having been a shy child and teen himself, Dr Carducci describes himself as a successfully shy person. First and foremost, Dr Carducci says, shyness is not a negative trait, a character flaw or a disease. It is simply a description of how a person behaves and responds. The character feature of shyness is excessive self- consciousness and excessive negative critical self-evaluation. An example he gives is how people behave in front of a mirror. Most people don’t admire themselves; they correct something about their appearance, like hair or a tie and collar. Shy people go about life as if they have a mirror in front of them all the time, especially in social situations.

The problem is only that shyness can hold people back from their dreams and goals if they don’t understand the dynamics of their shyness. When they do, they can control it, even if it doesn’t really go away completely. Dr Carducci has several tips for shy adults in social situations like parties: arrive early and make acquaintances so you can become a social facilitator (by introducing others), talk a little to a lot of people (so people see you as someone they can approach), and avoid alcohol to avoid depending on it to get you through social situations, and to keep your wits sharp.

There are also tips for parents of shy children: firstly, love the child for who she is. Next, be empathetic while encouraging her to be social—never ask her to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do, such as walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. A factorial approach would help—slowly changing one or two factors about the child’s social situation, such as first bringing over another child to your home, then taking her to a park with the same friend, then adding another child to their play date at the park next time. We don’t need to eradicate shyness. We don’t need everyone to be the same. What we need is diversity, and shy people represent that. The world, Dr Barducci says, needs more shy people.