Children can be a forgotten voice within the family when a parent is diagnosed with cancer, in spite of being the main source of concern for the parents (Rauch et al., 2003, Visser et al., 2004). Though a lot of progress has been made in cancer treatment, when diagnosed with cancer a person’s first response is usually fear and uncertainty about the future. Don’t worry. This is normal.
Trying to keep such a secret as a diagnosis of cancer only harms us and those we love. The obstacles faced by parents are trying to fit their cancer diagnosis and its treatment into their everyday family life. This includes helping children deal with the major disruption it causes.
Why tell children about your cancer diagnosis?
They can pick up when something is wrong and think the worst!
Children sense when something is amiss, especially when it comes to their parents or loved ones. When they sense and observe that something is not usually the way it is and, if they are not told about it, they imagine the worst. They see an exhausted parent who may have less patience with them and who feels sick a lot and may think that the parent doesn’t love them or that they’ve caused the parent’s illness. In such situations, children are very aware of the emotional state of both parents. And once children have come up with their own explanation about why something is happening, it can be very hard to change their minds.
Children are likely to find out anyway
Children often hear adults talking about subjects not meant for them— even when the child is busy and doesn’t seem to be listening. Even if they don’t hear anything, they can see that others are acting strange. Children usually sense that people are upset and something is wrong. They might even think that something they’ve done or not done caused the problem.
Side effects will be obvious once treatment begins
When the parent’s treatment starts, the child may see side effects like tiredness, weight changes, skin changes, hair loss, or vomiting. They see that the parent is sick and their first thought is “my parent is going to die.” They may think that others in the family will get sick, too. This can be frightening for a child, especially with not knowing what is going on or how to cope with it.
What do children need to know about a parent’s cancer treatment?
Children need to know enough to be prepared for what’s about to happen or has happened to their parents and how it will affect them. Young children (ages 2 to 8) don’t usually need a lot of detailed information about cancer and treatment, but older children (ages 9 to 12 and teens) need and deserve to know more. Kids of all ages need to know the basics about:
• The type of cancer (for example, breast cancer or lymphoma)
• Where the cancer is in the body
• What will happen with treatment?
• How their lives are expected to be changed by cancer and its treatment
How much should my children know about my diagnosis and treatment?
What you tell your children depends on factors, like their ages, personalities, and what you know about your treatment. You need to find the right balance between too much information, which could overwhelm the child, and too little information, which might raise more questions. This talk should include how their lives might change as a result of your treatment, and what plans you’ve made to be sure that they are cared for no matter what happens.
The goal is, to tell the truth in such a way that their young minds can understand what mom and dad are going through, as well as prepare themselves for the changes that will happen.
How are these changes handled?
It’s important to know that when someone becomes very ill, the person and their loved ones may go through a spectrum of emotions. This is noticeable when the parent is feeling sick and can’t carry on with his or her usual responsibilities and roles. The other parent may be exhausted and may not be as aware of the children’s needs. Some children react to this by withdrawing or are afraid they’ll burden their parents with their own worries. Some act out as a way of getting attention. Whether acting out or withdrawing, you need to sit down and talk with your child. It’s important to stick to routines as much the same as possible and to be consistent with the children. Children usually have a tough time finding the words for what they feel when a parent is being treated for cancer. In general, the more honest family members can be with one another, the better. If you find that you don’t have as much time for your kids as you might like, think about asking another person, maybe your spouse or another trusted relative or friend, to spend time with your children.
Can I expect our lives to go on like before?
As much as we hope for that, it’s not realistic to expect life to be the same as it was before cancer. Having cancer is still a life changer. Be aware that life may not feel normal again for some time.
It is hard to figure out how children can be involved in a parent’s illness without it taking over their life. One of the best ways is to sit down and talk with your children. Family meetings can be fun if they involve topics other than cancer, too.
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