One has underrated the importance of parenting in a child’s life perhaps over the years. A lot of an individual’s parenting comes from their own experiences of two parents or caregivers. So, the parenting is tainted with multiple colours and flavours of parenting acquired through many sources and experiences. This could prove to be detrimental in bringing up the child as the child can get confused with many different parenting styles.
When two individuals are involved in bringing up the child – there are 4 types of parenting aspects coming into play. This can help give clarity to the way your spouse might be parenting, you can work towards picking up the best of the different types of parenting for the good of your children.
Authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, authoritative are the four styles of parenting that psychologists have listed out.
In the Authoritarian style of parenting, the child would feel that their every move is controlled. The clothes they wear to the friends they have to the classes they take. Do your children reflect to you that you are a drill sergeant?
The next type of parenting style is the anything is okay types of parents. Do you find yourself saying yes to every demand of theirs? There is this need to make your children happy because in turn they will think highly of you, even if it means they skip classes and have many serves of pudding and ice cream. Do your children reflect that you are the mom and dad that allows practically anything? Then you are the permissive parent.
The next type of parenting is the type where you are a little absent from the scene. It is okay for you to let others make decisions for them. Well, you are present with the child but the mind is elsewhere. Do you hear from your child statements like, “Daddy I already told you this?” This could mean that there is some disconnect between you and the child.
Are you’re the kind of parent that takes time to understand what your child is going through? Are you a good team player? You understand what the child is going through. For example, your child topples a glass with water during lunch and you help them to gently understand the safety measures and discuss ways to make amends for the damage. This is called authoritative parenting.
What are the effects of these different types of parenting? When there are drastically different parenting styles. It can produce certain effects on the child.
1. It can lead to Anxiety
A child forms a safety net around the parents, when they are young. When a child witnesses the parents fighting with each other or having a discord immediately the child begins to think that there are holes in the safety net. Suddenly the child experiences their whole world come crashing down and often such issues leads the child into a very anxious state. The child will express this in multiple ways. They are able to sense the tension in the home and they can also understand the emotional state of people. They see and feel things that are unsaid as well.
2. Insecurities develop in the child as a result.
Children flourish in the present moment of their lives and the only way to promote that is to give them security in the present moment. When parents or caregivers react in ways that confuse the child, there is stress that the child experiences. The child can become depressed and angry with self or with others.
3. Guilt and shame will follow.
For a child, his understanding is that the outer circle is the family and the child is in the very center of the circle. So, the child automatically understands that when things go wrong, the child is responsible. It is interesting to note that child feels that they are to blame, even if it had nothing to do with them.
4. When all of this culminates for the child – there could be episodes of “acting out” for the child.
When the chid cannot understand what is happening, there are a few ways that the child can cope. Some of the ways include shouting, yelling, beating, being clingy, becoming distant, quiet, withdrawn.
So, is there a perfect parenting style?
Authoritative parenting style has proved to be balanced, this type of parenting leads to the most responsible, and self-directed children.
What can I do with my spouse to help this sort of environment to flourish in my home?
1. Be unified with regards to goals.
Identify for yourself and your spouse, what sort of goals you want to achieve for the children. All goals if they are to be achieved then needs careful planning and execution. So sit together and plan the ways that you would work towards achieving that goal.
2. Validate the things you and your spouse agree upon.
Validate for your child what is permissible in the house and what isn’t. For example: what kind of language is permitted in the house and how the family values money are things that must be put out there so that the child clearly understands where the family stands on these issues and matters.
3. Celebrate the differences that your spouse has.
Once this is the outlook, then it becomes easier to accept one another’s differences and come to an understanding on what best will help the child. With these unique differences come a specialized method of parenting which is best suited for the overall development of the child.
4. Approach a counsellor to help with the stuckness you are experiencing with regards to parenting or any other issues that you are facing.
Many a times, individuals don’t take help for these kinds of issues which could lead to misunderstandings and discomfort in the family. Getting help for these issues will not just help the people affected by it but will also strengthen the individual’s understanding of self, which is crucial for safe parenting.
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