What is the defining factor of a relationship? Mutual dependence and interest.
Being dependent on another person can be a comforting for some, for others it can be scary thing. While it is normal and expected of both partners in a relationship to be emotionally dependent on each other to an extent.
The emotional atmosphere at home often color one’s attachment styles with life partners. Children whose emotional needs were overlooked and were punished for expressing their emotions often develop a poor view of themselves, often as “unlovable”. These insecurities often creeps into adulthood and complicates relationships. Persons who tend to become unhealthily attached with their partners, often display Codependent traits. This means that they derive their sense of value in the relationship, their emotional security is dependent wholly on their partner’s need of them. A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being, this prevents the couple from having any personal space between themselves. They believe that in order to keep the relationship from ending they need to give excessively of their time, energy and resources to appease their partner. They find it hard and may even feel guilty for saying “No” to their partner’s requests, since they find their worth in being able to be wholeheartedly and unswervingly stay committed to their relationship.
Codependency is obvious when one partner seems to be doing most of the work to keep the relationship going. Both Partners are unable to see the imbalance of the relationship, where they have found their identity attached to the other; which means that losing their partner would in one sense mean that they lose themselves. One partner in the codependent relationship would go to lengths to ensure the happiness and peace of the relationship in fear that they would be abandoned or rejected if they don’t do so.
Codependency involves someone who has lost their core sense of self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity— Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
These are quite different from an interdependent relationship where each partner has a healthy view of themselves and their partner. This would prevent them from seeking validation and approval in their relationship since they are confident in themselves. They value and consider their partner’s company however, have their own goals, interests and hobbies which enrich their personal happiness. Relational struggles won’t hamper their mental stability although it may naturally cause some distress. They value and cherish each other’s uniqueness while mutually challenge each other to improve themselves than staying stagnant. They are also emotionally capable of handling disagreements as they hold fast to their sense of individuality and personal worldviews. There is a mutual expectation and willingness to engage and meet each other's physical and emotional needs. The chances of abuse are lesser in interdependent relationship.
Deborah and Arun are in interdependent relationship, they find themselves enjoying the security of trust, commitment, intimacy, and compassion between each other. Deborah celebrates Arun’s intellectual flair and practical mindset whereas Arun admires Deborah’s creativity, energetic presence and compassion for those around her.When Arun does something that contradicts Deborah’s core values, she expresses her feelings with Arun. He gives her the freedom to be true to herself and believes that they both have something valuable to contribute to the growth of themselves and their relationship.
Danielle and Anish’s relationship is a good example of a healthy interdependent relationship that foster’s their own sense of individuality.
Do you find yourself struggling and unhappy in your relationship?
There may a chance you are struggling with a codependent dynamic.
That is alright, because life does not come with a clear cut instruction manual and you are doing the best you can! Yet, if you have noticed that you have potential for growth in this area of life, do not be alarmed. The first thing to do is to not judge yourself for having these tendencies. Researcher’s state that codependent traits developed during childhood, were adaptable at the time for survival. As adults, we have the privilege of unlearning and relearning for out betterment. There is no need for shame as everyone has blind spots and goes through the learning curve. However, once you recognize such patterns, we would encourage you to step into the journey of discovering yourself. Reconnecting with who you are, your values and goals, sense of identity and purpose.
Remember: A healthy relationship begins with being content and complete in yourself!
Want to grow in your relationships and identity? Reach out of any of our counsellors for the care you need.
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