Every loving relationship is characterized by mutual love, sacrifice and compassion. Being dependent on another person to support you is a healthy and normal characteristic of any relationship. Healthy relationships involve two people acknowledging that they are complete and whole individuals whose lives would be enriched with the presence of the other. Yet, if the prerequisite is not met, the latter will automatically not take place. Take a look at Priya & Ashwin’s story in our previous article “When Love Goes South”. We see that both partners felt incomplete without one another. Yes, of course in any relationship distance will cause the heart to grow fonder, yet, they could not entertain personal interests and activities apart from each. This eventually lead to Priya forgetting who she is and losing her sense of individuality for the sake of “love”. In every relationship, there will always be a certain amount of compromise that takes place, in order to maintain the sense of harmony since two different individuals are coming together. Yet if these compromises feel as though they are suffocating your sense of happiness, it would be time to evaluate if boundaries are being crossed. Let’s take a look at three boundaries that help us distinguish healthy relationships from unhealthy ones:
In a healthy boundaries you are free to say “No” and you are okay when others say “No” to you. In unhealthy boundaries, you can’t say “No” because you’re afraid of rejection and abandonment, which was evident in Priya’s inability to say ‘No’ to Ashwin’s bad behaviour and enabling his emotional dysregulation.
In healthy boundaries, each person has a strong sense of identity and respects themselves, whereas in unhealthy boundaries, a person’s identity is based on what you think others want you to be. Priya was losing her sense of self and was assuming that her identity came from being Ashwin’s “better half” which was of course not true.
In healthy boundaries, you’re able to distinguish responsibility; i.e. when a problem is your own and when it belongs to someone else. Whereas in unhealthy boundaries, you tend to take other people’s problem as your own. You try to solve their problems; this is not the same as helping out.
This is why it’s important to recognize “Boundary traps”. Which ones resonate with you?
“I am nobody if I’m not in a relationship. My identity comes from my partner and I will do anything to make this person happy”
“This is better than the last relationship I was in”
“I spend all my time involved in my partner’s goals and activities. There just isn’t enough time left to do what I want to do.”
“My partner would be lost without me.”
“If I just give it more time, the relationship will get better.”
“Most of the time the relationship is great…Ok well occasionally it is, and that’s enough for me.”
Once you recognize the signs, it would be wise to explore who you are. Take a moment to refocus your attention of identifying “who am I” which gives you an idea of whether you were finding your worth in another person’s treatment or opinion of you.
Secondly, affirm your value as a complete and whole person apart from the relationship which doesn’t complete you but complements you.
Thirdly, validate and acknowledge the needs and feelings that have been previously considered as insignificant or shameful as legitimate and important.
Fourthly, let go of the need to take responsibility for other’s feelings and actions. This will help you enforce your sense of individuality.
Finally, communicate what your boundaries are and they’ve been crossed. Always keep in mind, Boundaries are not a revenge tactic that manipulate or threaten others to comply with our demands, they are simply requests which are firmly asserted based on clear honest communication for mutual fulfilment.
When you are in a healthy relationship, you will notice a healthy balance of giving and receiving. You will feel calmer, less anxious, more supported, confident of your individuality and unconditionally accepted.
The fear of being alone, rejected or abandoned will not be the primary concern, your partner will allow you to be true to yourself and encourage you to be the best version of who you are, not whom they want you to be. There will be a balance of time spend together and personal space. You will not lose yourself in another person, but they will enrich your personality. And that’s true love done right.
Comments