We live in a relationship obsessed culture that glamorizes “meet cutes” and finding a “soul mate”. However, the pursuit of changing one’s relationship status from ‘single to taken’ can lead many to fall unknowingly into the mishap of toxic unhealthy bonds. Furthermore, it’s hard to distinguish in this day and age, what is considered healthy and unhealthy in romantic relationships especially when we are fed a plethora of relationship advice which confuses us! What does a healthy relationship look like and what are the basic telltale signs of an unhealthy bond? Read Ashwin and Priya’s story to make sense of this:
Ashwin and Priya are college sweethearts and planning to get married soon. Most people who view their relationship online, would define them as the “couple goals” with their cute smiles, great sense of style and perfect chemistry. Every week Priya would post a cute picture of a date they had gone out on, and while it seems as though things couldn’t be going better for her, Only Priya’s closest friends would testify that it wasn’t. They were exposed to the intricacies of Priya & Ashwin’s relationship, which was concerning for them. Every time they had called her out for a hangout, Priya would ask if she could bring Ashwin alongside them, since he would feel alone. Priya always seemed overly concerned about Ashwin’s welfare, sometimes even cutting class to be with him. Although her friends thought that it was really absurd that he always needed to be with her, and couldn’t find his own set of friends, they accommodated him to be supportive of Priya. Priya always defended Ashwin’s habit of spending excessively, and borrowing money from others saying, “He’s not a bad person, he is just working on himself… just be patient”. Although Ashwin’s habits of borrowing/ gambling with strangers online caused Priya anxiety and kept wondering if he was a good fit for her. She convinced herself to be loyal since, “Ashwin never had the supportive family that he needed from home and she was the only one who could provide that for him”. She was under the impression that she couldn’t end their relationship, every time Ashwin would remind her, “You’re all I have, none of my friends understand me”. There are days when Priya feels bad about losing herself in the relationship. She can’t seem to recall what she was passionate about, her hobbies, her dreams, her preferences and choices… She gave it all up, in the name of love… Priya’s life was too entangled with Ashwin’s to even let go of him, “without him in my life, who would I even be?”
Every relationship has its moment of weakness. Yet, there are times when bonds can become unhealthy when basic boundaries are crossed. In Priya and Ashwin’s case, they were in a codependent relationship. Here are few of the signs that Priya was unhealthily bonded with Ashwin:
1) Making excuses for his poor financial habits
2) Feeling responsible for his emotions all the time
3) Losing her sense of self in the relationship
4) Ignoring her own feelings and needs
5) Having a “Savior Mentality” and convincing herself to compromise her values
Every couple is dependent on each other to an extent. When we are codependent, we are focused on controlling, maintaining and nurturing undesirable behaviors in relationships. There are several signs of codependency that you can look for in your own relationships. These include:
Only feeling a sense of purpose when you've made excessive sacrifices to care for someone else's needs.
Finding it impossible to say no when another person is making constant demands on you.
Covering for another person when they get into trouble with the law.
Frequently worrying about what other people think of you.
Feeling as though your relationship has you trapped.
Remaining silent because you want to avoid arguments and you don't want to rock the boat.
Feeling that you're not satisfied with your life outside of a specific person.
Staying with a partner even when you can easily recognize unhealthy behaviors.
Offering support to another person even though it's causing you physical or mental anguish.
People who are codependent typically experience anxiety more than anything else. Their relationships will be completely centered on two specific things. They'll either be trying to change their partner, or trying to conform to their wishes. Co-dependent relationships can take place not only in romantic relationships, it can be between friends, parent-child and even siblings. If you find yourself in a similar situation, just know that you have the right to let go of what is not building you up. As Earnest Hemingway put it, “the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting you are special too”.
Click here for Part two of our article to read more about unhealthy bonds and ways to change patterns of codependency.
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