As Humans we are neurobiologically made to connect with people. Intimacy is often described as “into me you see” which indicates the act of showing our true and unfiltered selves. Being fully known and fully accepted is the great courage that comes with intimacy. However, for many the wound of the past can make vulnerability a difficult thing, and this can lead to “controlled intimacy” where we only present a version of ourselves which will generally be accept by others (e.g. social media persona). The unfortunate truth is that we ourselves have not accepted ourselves fully enough and hence we tend to engage in controlled intimacy.
When two people find each other and they start operating from their own wounds, this creates a toxic connection. In the previous articles we read about the avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Researchers have discovered a recurring pattern of toxic relationship where avoidant and anxious attachment individual tend to attract one another.
The love anxious person may seek out relationship to find their sense of worth and identity i.e. “If I’m not in a relationship then who am I?” So they constantly operate out of fear, abandonment and rejection. They are constantly putting off energy to the other person to prove to them that they are enough.
The Love anxious person finds a “love avoidant” who thinks that they are a nobody if they are not needed by someone. They were overly bonded with their parents and so they’ve been reinforced to need to be needed. As time progresses, the Love anxious person clings to their partner which triggers a feeling of suffocation and neediness which puts them off. This is because it’s triggering the childhood wound which wants to love but also have their own space to be themselves. This causes them to withdraw loving altogether. The cycle of pursuing from the anxious attachment person and distancing from the avoidant attachment person continues to be a toxic cycle of distorted love. Unhealthy codependent relationship is when values, identity, passions, friends etc. don’t exist without the other person.
In order to transition to a more healthy relationship is by improving your nonverbal communication skills, which include eye contact, posture, expressions etc. These nonverbal cues send strong messages about what you really feel. Learning how to interpret and communicate non-verbally can significantly improve and deepen your relationships with other people.
Another way is by increasing your emotional intelligence, which includes the ability to understand, use, and manage emotions in positive ways to empathize, communicate effectively, and deal with conflict better.
Thirdly, seek out relationships with people who are securely attached. Being in a relationship with another person who also has an insecure attachment style can make things difficult. A strong, supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved can play an important part in building your sense of security.
“This is one of the marks of a truly safe person: they are confrontable.” ― Henry Cloud
Finally, try to heal from childhood trauma. As we read earlier, experiencing trauma as an infant or young child can interrupt the attachment and bonding process. Childhood trauma includes anything that shakes your sense of safety, unstable home environment, separation from your primary caregiver, serious illness, neglect, or abuse. This sakes your sense of confidence and importance. When childhood trauma is not resolved, feelings of insecurity, fear, and helplessness can continue into adulthood..
“If you don’t heal what hurts you, you’ll end up bleeding on people who didn’t cut you” – Dr. Caroline Leaf
When children are raised in a healthy home environment, parents have given them the freedom to explore the world and be their own person, and when they make mistakes, the message conveyed is: “I will be here if you make a mistake and help you through that process”. This develops a safe and secure bond. It also help children develop a healthy sense of self and identity as they were not preoccupied with fearing intimacy or abandonment.
Missed out reading the previous part of our 3 Part Article series? Click here to read
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