Children handle divorce in a different way from the way how adults would understand it. Therefore, it is important to make sure that they are handled differently. Here are some ways to work with children when dealing with divorce.
1. Children need to redefine the way their family looks now. This can be excruciating for the child to live with. There may be two homes that the child needs to adjust with. For others, it might be the grandparents that may present as parents during this season. This redefinition many at times will not be welcomed by the child. So gently allowing them to air out their difficulties is important. Giving them a safe space to talk about their fears and apprehensions is healthy.
2. Allowing them to air out their fears and apprehensions cannot happen without establishing quality relationships with children at this point. This will be a traumatic season for them. They might be hurt and scared with all the changes going on. Holidays and special events would be so difficult as they would feel torn between whose house to go to. Parents need to discuss and come to an agreement as to which holidays and special events each one would get, so that it would be less stressful for the child and others involved with the family.
3. It is important to make this process easy for the child and not make them feel guilty. Look at new ways to celebrate with the child. Have them recognize there is more to the relationship than the place they choose to be in. Find good ways to spend your time when your child is with you and keep in constant touch with the child so that it doesn’t become awkward for the child when they meet you.
4. You need to reassure the child that he or she is not responsible for the divorce. Another aspect to comfort the child is that the love is still there. They will be loved and protected even if their parents are separated. This reassurance is important as this process does bring in a lot of instability.
5. It is important to acknowledge the feeling of the child and how they feel about the divorce. Listen for the content and the feelings behind your child’s words. Is he expressing joy, sadness, excitement, or anger—either through his words or body language? Don’t disregard their feelings just because they are young. Give their words meaning if they are not able to express, then help them with words. For example: “You really look sad to me today, do you want to tell me what’s making you sad.”
6. Children feel the need sometimes to protect their parents, because they are going through so much. Adding to their pain is not something they want to do. This is important to let the child understand that they can share with the parents openly about what they are going through.
So, be honest about what is going to happen with them. Share only what is required. When there are two different homes to adjust to, it may be difficult for them to adjust. Be patient during this process and don’t rush the change on the child. It is important to maintain routines and observing rules in the homes must be similar.
“I strongly believe children can thrive through a divorce. Children need parents who love them. Children need to know they are safe children need stability and sometimes that’s easier to achieve outside a marriage than in a broken one.”
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